On a recent visit to my dentist I asked if he could institute a frequent filler program. He hadn’t thought about it but apparently his accountant’s computer answered in the negative.

As I tried unsuccessfully to whistle a happy tune through numbed lips, I decided that the following delicacies must be loved by the dental fraternity (and sorority).

Olives – the ones with the pits. Even pitted olives contain the odd tooth-cracker.

Toffee – a classic filling extractor. Not to mention boiled lollies, peanut brittle, seaside rock and gob-stoppers.

Animal bones – chewing on chops, chicken legs and t-bones is great for breaking canines. (Unless you’re a canine.)

Popcorn – unpopped kernels can bring a tear to anyone’s eyeteeth.

Rice and lentils – famous for crunchy stray bits of gravel.

Oh, and one drink – red wine. Wine lovers will know that regular squishing of red through the teeth will turn their white and pearlies a nasty shade of purplish grey. The acid in wine will then slowly eat tooth enamel away.

Only scientists can tell us what evil corrosives are created by wine acids in the mouth, especially when they react with mercury amalgam fillings. As I’m often stopped by airport metal detectors and asked to remove my metal-filled molars before I can board a plane, I daren’t ask.